Quite proud today, me.

I’m going to talk about cricket, but hear me out – given that we have the FIFA World Cup coming up in no time, it’s probably fair to say that the World Twenty20 Championship was buried a little under the excitement for the football counterpart. The good news, though, is England won! In style, too. And not only that, they beat Australia.

Before you accuse me of being biased, let me assure you I’m not. I don’t care WHO beats the Aussies. And I don’t care what we beat them at, either.

Now you’re probably wondering what the hell Cricket has to do with Magaluf, and it’s fair to say ‘not a lot’. Unless it’s Tit Cricket we’re talking about of course.

Stumped? Don’t be – you heard me right. Tit Cricket’s the future, and you don’t have to restrict yourself to pulling a ‘bat’ either (arf!). It might take some balls, however, and once you get started, you won’t want to bail out.

Bad jokes aside, here are the rules.

The aim is to score as many ‘runs’ as possible without getting ‘out’. You score a run by brushing your hand or arm (think about the bit of the arm that constitutes ‘handball’) against a girl’s boob. It’s perfectly possible to score a ‘four’ by brushing both arms against both knockers, or if they get ‘em out for you.

With me so far? It gets better. Fours and sixes can be scored by copping a feel of – well you do the math, but watch out – there’s a catch.

Get slapped and you’re out – that happened to Si last year and of course we all shouted “HOWZAAAAAAAAAAT” when it happened to ensure maximum embarrassment. There’s the key – you need to keep an eye on your mates so you can appeal for the dismissal, otherwise they might get away with it. And we can’t have that, can we? In it to win it, and all that.

My bunch of lads, The Booze Brothers, had a go at this outside of Lush last year, and I managed to score a four when barmaid Leigh-Ann pulled her top up to show me a pair of nicely rounded, if surgically enhanced fun bags, simply for asking for a pint. (“I wanted San Miguel, not milk, love”) The downside was that my mates were there too, so they technically also scored fours too. Still this type of teamwork is not a bad thing if you’re lagging behind a bit.

So how long does it go on for? You could put a time limit on it, for instance, how many runs you can get before, say 6am. Personally, however, in order to stay within the cricket theme, I prefer the ‘overs’ system. For ‘overs’, read rounds of drinks – so lets say you play a 40 over game, then it continues until 40 rounds have been bought.

40 rounds? That’s about 2 hours for us lot, then.